“But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.” -Jeremiah 18:4

For the first time in my life, I understand why Jonah ran. Jonah ran because his perception of Gods character didn’t line up with what he thought God was going to do. He heard this calling and felt the prophesy he was asked to deliver betrayed the character of God. He didn’t want to live knowing God was on route to forgive the people of Nineveh. He ran because he didn’t see the bigger picture. I’ve always had a lighthearted view of Gods calling, brushing off the magnitude of what it actually looks like when the God of the universe decides to put you in for a few plays. I was never one for sports but I now realize all the luxuries that come with being a bench warmer. You see, bench warmers don’t actually have to play the game.

This whole trip has been a challenge. God has looked at the things I held with open hands to him and said “it’s not enough”. He has looked at the things I held behind my back, fists clenched, and asked “what about those? Are you willing to give up those to follow my calling?”. He has taken my identity and stripped it down. He has taken all the things I was clinging to and given me the look of a disapproving father as I struggled to let go. He has pushed my boundaries, the pressed me on all sides. He has taken away all of my methods of coping with stress, every last one of them; and asked “am I enough for you?” And just when I thought I had given him everything, he has asked for more.

When I first applied for this trip, I saw it as an opportunity to say “Here am I, send me” without any other prerequisite. I didn’t say to where and I didn’t say with whom. Looking back, I imagine God chuckling. I can see him smiling, moving around the chess pieces of my life, putting me into checkmate. You see… I may not have said “to where” or “with whom” but I did say “for how long.”

The man who heads our internship program always refers to his job (sarcastically) as being a professional Christian. I suppose there’s the big reveal, I’m going Pro guys. If nothing else, at least I’ll leave this experience with that joke for dinner parties. God has asked me to stick around for another 3 months or so. He has looked at the last remnants of my identity and the last remaining scraps of my life plan and said “what about those.” My identity as a student, as a member of my church, as a friend to certain people, as an American, God has asked me to surrender all of them.

That’s why I say I understand why Jonah ran. The bible scarcely mentions the details of Jonah’s life; the family, the life he was postponing, the relationships he was walking away from. The bible skims over everything that made his calling seem more complicated and it mentions the only relevant detail; Gods will.

I wish I could tell everyone it was an easy decision, that because it’s “Gods will”, all the other details became irrelevant to me. I wish I could say that God spoke to me in thunder and with a parting of the clouds and descending of doves.  Instead I’m forced to tell you that the calling was one spoken to me in whispers as God often does. I’m forced to tell you that my knuckles were white from holding some of these things so tightly and my hands ache after letting go.

A few weeks ago an inmate looked me in the eyes and said “I’ll stand in my own shoes.”  So here I stand, in my own shoes, ready to see the consequences of my decision to surrender my plan to God, good or great, easy or hard.

D.M.