“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. To me, being a gangster was better than being President of the United States. Even before I first wandered into the cabstand for an after-school job, I knew I wanted to be a part of them. It was there that I knew that I belonged. To me, it meant being somebody in a neighborhood that was full of nobodies. They weren’t like anybody else. I mean, they did whatever they wanted. They double-parked in front of a hydrant and nobody ever gave them a ticket. In the summer when they played cards all night, nobody ever called the cops.”

 

–Henry Hill, Goodfellas.

 

My name is Daniel Monnet and I make bad investments. I recently had to have my mother help me pay my credit card bill and I’m not exactly killing it with my 401k deposits. My student loans look like K2 and I recently lost $1000 on a craigslist scam. This past year I went to Mexico, California, and about 25 more concerts than I needed to. I spent more money than I had to do more than I had time for. I pushed myself to be busier than I’d ever been chasing things I really didn’t care much for, addicted to the sleeplessness.

 

My name is Daniel Monnet and for someone who claims to not care about money – I have built a large portion of my life trying to ensure that one day, I will be rich. I’m embarrassed to admit the sum of hours I’ve spent daydreaming about a walk-in closet with rows of suits and a case of watches. I’m a materialistic person and that has been true ever since I was young.

 

My name is Daniel Monnet and as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a lawyer. To me, being a lawyer was better than being President of the United States. Even before I first wandered into Big-tool box for an after-school job, I knew I wanted to be a part of them. To me, it meant having money to buy ATV’s and fund missionaries. It meant wearing suits to work and buying $200 ties. It meant swanky fundraising soirees and handing over checks with extra zeroes.

 

For the past year I have been standing at a crossroads of two lives– one which led to law school and one which didn’t. One in which I held control and one in which I didn’t. One in which I got my closet of treasures and one in which I didn’t. The prayer on my lips has been a constant questioning of God – Am I allowed to chase this dream? For a year, I waited in eager expectation for an answer to be revealed.

 

Forgive my Christian jargon but… since I arrived in South Africa I have been asking God for a character in Scripture that I can study and learn from. I wanted a character to be the focus of my three months here. I prayed to God asking him who to study.

 

“John the Baptist?” I asked.

“No.” God responded.

 

“What about Lot?” I asked again.

“No. Look at the Prophets” He responded.

“Jeremiah or Samuel?” I asked.

“No.” He responded.

 

I finally made my way to Ezekiel and while reading the first chapter, I knew that this was the character God was ushering me towards. I have continued in that book in confidence over the past weeks. That brings us to July 17, 2018. I was waiting on two friends who were having dinner and enjoying a drink to myself at a restaurant called the Thirsty Scarecrow.

 

I opened my backpack and murmured a frustrated “dammit” as it was empty. My laptop, my class materials and all the work I had to do had been left at home. Sitting at the bottom was my bible. In frustration, I pulled it out. I had work to do and wasn’t exactly thrilled I was about to waste two hours reading.

 

I opened it to Ezekiel and closed my eyes.

 

“God.. I need you to prove to me that this is where you want me to be reading. I am frustrated and I have work to do. Please make this time a fulfilling one. Confirm to me that this chapter, chapter 24, is EXACTLY where you want me to be reading tonight.”

 

In Gods sense of humor I was quickly humbled. Ezekiel 24 opens “In the ninth year, on the tenth month of the tenth day…” and for someone born October 10^th, this felt sign enough. Normally I’m a skeptic of things like this but Christianity has robbed me of my ability to believe in coincidence.

 

The chapter continues on to be one of the most powerful passages in the book of Ezekiel. I knew God wanted me in this Chapter, on this night, in this place. I knew the moment I read that first sentence that God was ready to provide an answer to my question. Do I get to pursue this dream? Do I get to go to law school? Do I get my closet full of treasures?

 

With a reverent fear, I sipped my drink and read on.

 

“The word of the lord came to me. ‘Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead.’”

 

It’s an odd feeling going into scripture hoping to feel encouraged and filled and leaving feeling threatened.

 

It’s not a pleasant feeling having God tell you that he is taking something from you. God didn’t just tell me which road I am supposed to take – he set the one I wanted the most aflame. He poured gasoline over the path and lit any hope I had of Law School into oblivion.

I thought Law School was a good investment. I thought it was my ace in the hole and my ticket that life I wanted so badly. I thought Law School was what I was made for and God wanted a word. Here’s the truth – I’m confused and angry. I had every intention of using my Law Degree to fight the good fight, to finish the race and keep the faith. I intended to defend the innocent and fight for justice where it’s so rarely realized. I had good intentions with selfish motives and God torched them all.

 

My name is Daniel Monnet and I’m not going to law school. I’m pretty thrown off and in disarray but I hear the voice of the almighty saying “groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead.” I do care about money and God is trying to change that. I had a plan and it has been turned to dust.

 

I know that years from now I will be on my knees thanking God for his guidance. I am also willing to admit that that’s not where my heart is right now. I don’t feel thankful but I know I should be. I don’t feel protected but I know I am. I know this because the best investment I’ve ever made has been in my pursuit of Jesus. Because every time I’ve doubled down on black it’s come back to bite me but my investment in my faith has never been a loss.

 

My name is Daniel Monnet and I am trying to make a good investment. I am trying to figure out what it means to follow Jesus more and I’m learning that the price is so much higher than I wanted to pay.

 

I wanted to write checks with extra zeroes – here goes nothing. Consider this my check, signed and dated. On the amount line: Law School. If this is the price you demand Jesus – though I really don’t know what I’m buying – here you go.